Aunt Sally's bucket

'Have you seen my white White Stuff top anywhere?' I asked K this morning. The sleep deprivation is seriously beginning to tell - the Boo at seven and a half months shows no sign of sleeping any better than a newborn - and I am permanently befuddled. 'You've already asked me several times. You're getting as bad as her,' he says, nodding in the Impster's direction.

Worryingly, our new house has a Bermuda Triangle quality about it. So far I have lost my watch, my favourite Chanel sunglasses and now a very useful White Stuff top. But the Impster is on the case.

Anyone who has come to the house since early July has been greeted with her baffling inquisition: 'Have you seen Aunt Sally's bucket and Promra's earrings?' And having had no luck in turning up a satisfactory response, she has now branched out to the general public with her enquiries, so that wherever we go, shopkeepers, old ladies, and car mechanics alike are accosted for routine questioning.

Aunt Sally and Promra are the Impster's two eccentrically named and peculiarly attired Barbie dolls. Aunt Sally came complete with a wetsuit, a dolphin, a belt full of fish, and a bucket. She might have been wearing blue mascara but otherwise pretty much deserved to have a somewhat singular name bestowed upon her. Promra on the other hand, is uncannily named because although the Impster has no notion of what a prom is, this Barbie is properly bedecked for one, with full-length ball dress, corsage, tiara, and - as the Impster informs us - 'a white shrug and purple earrings'. The only thing her Barbies have in common is their purple outfits, which is quite enough for the Impster to adore them (they were both given as gifts for their special purple qualities and I simply can’t remember how I got by without seeing their cheery fixed grin and enormous boobs each day).

This recent chain of events reminds me of the time my friend Nicky kept losing her belongings, only to discover a few months later that she was living with a kleptomaniac. But the Boo is the only newcomer in our midst, and while the Imspter has already condemned him as guilty until proven innocent, I hardly think he has it in him to make away with a ladies Tag watch, however fast his crawling skills and discerning his taste. Come to think of it, he may have eaten them. After all, he did try to consume the entire Yellow Pages yesterday.

No, the Boo suffers a far worse lost property conundrum himself. Yesterday his first tooth appeared, and I have an independent third party witness as well as the Imp to verify this fact. This morning there is no sign whatsoever of the tooth. I kid you not - it has simply disappeared without trace. Hmm, maybe I should check in the Yellow Pages...